Things and chicken wings
So, how've things been? Excellent! Okay, so I failed with my plan to be drug free for the week, but I at least made it 6 days before I caved. I did not, however, stop giving people numbers and contacts, which I am now kicking myself over. I was aware when I got into this scene that I had a lot of personal responsibility to make sure I wasn't the one who got people addicted to drugs, and I also knew that if I saw someone falling down that path and I could help them, I'd do everything in my power to do so. The only problem is, I can't control everything, and I can't control everyone they come in contact with. Boo.
Anyway, enough with the melodrama, onto the real drama.
This weekend was fabulous. I spent the night with TheEnigma and his posse of friends, and it was great. There was merriment and lighters for all, straws in abundance, and laughter throughout the night.
Well, at least for them, since I got freaked the fuck out and had to be alone for most of the night. I'm not sure, but when TheEnigma and Loyalty (another friend) started discussing how much of a family we all were...I got very scared. I almost started crying because of how angry and scared I became. It just felt so...foreign. A feeling of family. To note--my mother has been raising me since I was 10, my father bouncing in and out of my life like dust on the wind (ironically enough, I'm allergic to dust). My mom is...mean. That's pretty much the only way I can say it. I know she regrets me, she never let me forget it during most of my high school years. (she's backed off lately). (I suppose I could blame most of my drug use on my parents divorce and my abusive mother, but I honestly don't. I don't feel any differently about my situation in life when I'm high or when I'm sober. However, I just enjoy my drugs.) Anywho. Back to the story.
DreadLocks (another of the group) tried to console me, tried to get me to open up, and I did. Which in itself is another amazing incident, since I...never open up. It just felt so strange to me, to be a part of this family, this family that I truly wanted to love and be a part of. I just felt so out of place. The only girl in this group of guys, the only idiot in this group of geniuses...I think most of the reason I was so angry and confused and scared was because I didn't understand. I didn't understand why they say I am a part of this family (I still don't.) I don't understand why they are my friends. I don't understand how after hanging out with me for the weekend, they still invite me to hanging out on monday. It's just...I'm not used to friendship, I guess. I've never kept a friend for long, and it just...hurts, burns so much to know that I will lose these people like I did everyone else. It also burns to hear these people talk about how we will be friends forever, that even if I disappeared they would come find me, and I can't believe it's true. Oh well, to continue with the story again!
As the night waned on and we had discovered that we were totally out of drugs, with resin smoked and mirrors licked clean, we all decided to crash for the night at PsychoNot's place. TheEnigma and I shared the bed (like we always do) and just layed there, petting each other's hair and backs/sides. It was so comfortable, I'd forgotten about drugs completely and lost myself in his gentleness, we layed there for hours. Around dusk, everyone else fast asleep (and snoring), we were still awake. He did the most amazing thing...as we layed there, he took my head in his hands, turned it so he could whisper in my ear "I love you." I couldn't move--I couldn't even breathe. I hadn't heard those words in...a very long time. I haven't believed in those words in even longer. I'm not entirely sure if I believe those words from him. All I know is...I think I'm falling, I think I'm falling hard, and he's still going away. He's leaving, and I'll never get him back.
Okay, so maybe things are going as excellent as I said they were...but hey, one has to always look up, right?
Anyway, enough with the melodrama, onto the real drama.
This weekend was fabulous. I spent the night with TheEnigma and his posse of friends, and it was great. There was merriment and lighters for all, straws in abundance, and laughter throughout the night.
Well, at least for them, since I got freaked the fuck out and had to be alone for most of the night. I'm not sure, but when TheEnigma and Loyalty (another friend) started discussing how much of a family we all were...I got very scared. I almost started crying because of how angry and scared I became. It just felt so...foreign. A feeling of family. To note--my mother has been raising me since I was 10, my father bouncing in and out of my life like dust on the wind (ironically enough, I'm allergic to dust). My mom is...mean. That's pretty much the only way I can say it. I know she regrets me, she never let me forget it during most of my high school years. (she's backed off lately). (I suppose I could blame most of my drug use on my parents divorce and my abusive mother, but I honestly don't. I don't feel any differently about my situation in life when I'm high or when I'm sober. However, I just enjoy my drugs.) Anywho. Back to the story.
DreadLocks (another of the group) tried to console me, tried to get me to open up, and I did. Which in itself is another amazing incident, since I...never open up. It just felt so strange to me, to be a part of this family, this family that I truly wanted to love and be a part of. I just felt so out of place. The only girl in this group of guys, the only idiot in this group of geniuses...I think most of the reason I was so angry and confused and scared was because I didn't understand. I didn't understand why they say I am a part of this family (I still don't.) I don't understand why they are my friends. I don't understand how after hanging out with me for the weekend, they still invite me to hanging out on monday. It's just...I'm not used to friendship, I guess. I've never kept a friend for long, and it just...hurts, burns so much to know that I will lose these people like I did everyone else. It also burns to hear these people talk about how we will be friends forever, that even if I disappeared they would come find me, and I can't believe it's true. Oh well, to continue with the story again!
As the night waned on and we had discovered that we were totally out of drugs, with resin smoked and mirrors licked clean, we all decided to crash for the night at PsychoNot's place. TheEnigma and I shared the bed (like we always do) and just layed there, petting each other's hair and backs/sides. It was so comfortable, I'd forgotten about drugs completely and lost myself in his gentleness, we layed there for hours. Around dusk, everyone else fast asleep (and snoring), we were still awake. He did the most amazing thing...as we layed there, he took my head in his hands, turned it so he could whisper in my ear "I love you." I couldn't move--I couldn't even breathe. I hadn't heard those words in...a very long time. I haven't believed in those words in even longer. I'm not entirely sure if I believe those words from him. All I know is...I think I'm falling, I think I'm falling hard, and he's still going away. He's leaving, and I'll never get him back.
Okay, so maybe things are going as excellent as I said they were...but hey, one has to always look up, right?
posted by Minx at 10:54 AM
3 Comments:
All I can say is "be careful"...
-h-
PS: There's a lot I can identify with in terms of you and Enigma, but I just don't feel qualified to give advice in that department right now... Life is complicated, huh?
:)
h
Yes, look up!
Post a Comment
<< Home