Recap

I know I said I would recap on what's been going on in my life, but I find I am far too busy with things. And, I officially have permission to be out for yet ANOTHER weekend in a row, so the official and grand recap of all things won't be until probably sunday night.

I know, I'm a flake. Sorry!

I have to and I promise that I will start updating regularly though, because I am in desperate need for at least some order in my life.

I have a lot to say.

I have opinions that want to be heard.

I have indignations that squirm to be told.

I have feelings that need to be expressed.

I have an urge to speak the truth.



I am a chicken.

I am hesitant.

I am scatterbrained.

I am confused with love.

I am confused with hate.



I love everyone.

I love no one.

I hate myself.

I don't know who I am.

I am generic.

I am typical.

I am atypical.



I want.
Someone to cherish.
Someone to dote over. Someone to make feel special. Someone to give surprises. Someone I can watch smile and laugh, and not feel afraid to tell them I like making them smile. I want to give someone the world. I want someone to be my world.

I want.
Isolation.
To lose touch with humanity. I want to not even feel someone else's skin, not even a hand shake, a hug, a pat on the back. I want to never feel another person. I want to make believe I am not human. I want to lose myself in drugs. I want to lose myself in my studies. I want to lose myself period.

I want
to be powerful. To be successful. To make lots of money at a legitimate job, and be the beacon for my family. To live to a ripe old age, with my husband, and my children.

I want
to die in a fiery crash. An explosive 10-car pileup. I want to be hyped up on every drug I can get my hands on. I want to start a car chase. I want to be chased.

No wonders teenagers always seem confused.

Ugh.  This has been a very crazy week.
As it being the first time I've been home this weekend, I was going to try and motivate myself to writing a full post, and ask questions that I need help answering.

But I'm so bonedead tired.

This blinking cursor annoys me.  It's waiting, it knows I have writer's block, and it knows that despite what bullshit I type, I still have no idea what I'm saying.

Since I can't think of anything useful to say, and because recapping on this past week and a half is going to be set aside for tomorrow, I may as well end this with a quote

"I think expectations are the major fault in relationships. People expect too much out of the other, and they end up failing."

Why'd I use this quote?  I think I'm in love with someone who is still dating another girl.  He doesn't know how much I do care for him, but he's been acting..strange lately.  We act as a couple, sleep in the same bed when we're together, sleep together when we're together, secretly holding hands under the blanket when other people are around.

I know, I should probably ask him what the dealio is, and stop doing these things, but I honestly don't care, simply because I don't expect anything out of him.  I'm tired of being used, but hey, at least now it can also be my turn.

Raise your hand

As a reply to Mr. Mystic-sorry I didn't have the comments thing up, I'll try and fix that in a moment.

And also, I know that 18 is still young, and I'll be the first to admit I know not a damn thing 
about this world.  As well, I choose the path of drugs as a past time for now, something that is to me more exciting the sports and more stimulating then sex.  Funny story about that, actually, which I may get into on a later date.  I don't plan on continuing my drug use in the future, but it all depends on how the dice are rolled I guess, all I can do is hope for the best and not mess anything up until the time comes.

And for Dan-
My habitual use is usually a quarter every purchase, which is every other day, but this weekend a group of friends and I had a ounce easy for share by everyone.  Spend most of my weekends at a friends blown most of the time on several different substances.

However, I am getting dreadfully sick of marijuana, it slows me down too much and it gets hard to remember things.  I have done snow several times, and fell in love with it every time.  Still have around 5 drugs on my list that I haven't done yet,

but I will definitely have the list finished before I leave for my new life.  
So, yes, started drugs at the age of 16, and here I am, 2 years later, finally starting to experiment with other new better worse things.  


One thing I have to apologize for right now, is that drugs usually are on my mind.  I know this is a glaring contradiction when I stated before that they are just a past time for me, but I am so bored with everything else that is going on.  (Oh, gods, yay the emo teenager comes out).  It just seems that there are so many ruts, and I feel I am stuck in a rock and a hard, boring place right now.  It will be another half a year or so until I can escape to college, and until then I really don't have much ambition to do anything else.  So, there you have it, a bored teenager who partakes drugs.  

I feel so generic :\

Virginity

So I've decided to start a blog, since  I think at least one point in my life should have some sense made in it, and my blogger virginity has been taken.

This is going to be a place where I am completely open.  I will try and keep that promise for as long as possible, try and have one thing, just one, where I can open up completely and vomit all the details that I think about no matter how jumbled they are, and of the people I meet.  Maybe I can start getting some order.

To at least warn those who will be reading this, I do partake in drugs.  I am 18 years old.  I am a senior.  I have few true good friends.  My best friend, well I am currently having a lot of mixed feelings about a special friend of mine, who not only introduces me to new highs and drugs, but has currently helped me stop my feelings of lonliness and has been a comfortable shoulder to lean on.  My feelings for him are currently in a whirlwind right now, not being helped with the massive amounts of drugs that we use, so what happens with that will be told in depth at a later date.  I can't be completely sure if he actually feels something or is just using me as a respite until he leaves or finds another girl.  Things will pan out as they pan out, though.  I'm excited to see how things turn out :)

It's sort of funny, I'm an 18 year old addict who doesn't have any real  love or life, and yet I still smile and call the world beautiful :)