Running out the door

I have a very busy day planned, full of skipping class and hanging with friends, but I just had to post the offline Enigma left me last night.

[03:14] Enigma: ok ok you have two choices, get out of my head, or come over right now, but both couldn't possibly happen, so im going to go take more addy's and pull and all nighter.... peace :)

I think my sinister plot to getting Enigma to fall in love with me is working :)

onto the rest of my day, yet I have so little time! I'm so tired, ugh, it's killing me. I have to run around all over the city tonight, I feel like I'm going to jump out of my skin. I have a serious aversion towards being around people, and lately it seems like I'm ALWAYS around them. My skin is constantly crawling, because they're very touchy feely. I'm beginning to think I may have a problem :( the only person I can stand to touch me is Enigma, everyone else feels alien. Or maybe I'm just the alien, haha. Anyway, I gotta run, I'll try and write a post that isn't obsessing over Enigma or bullshit like this was. Bye!

Teeheehee..

I vowed at around 4 this afternoon that I would go to bed early. I've been feeling a bit off lately, and just a few hours ago, I could literally see the walls, floor, and clocks melting. It was trippy. But, now it is midnight, and I IM'ing TheEnigma, and giggling like a 6 year old.

[23:55] TheEnigma: omg im so numb
[23:56] minx: hahah
[23:56] TheEnigma: i wish you were here to hit me with a brick or something it would be so fucking funny
[23:56] minx: haha, fuck the brick, i'll just use my shoes again :P
[23:56] TheEnigma: hehehe

"I wish you were here..." I love that. I'd just like to note, he's not one to show his emotions much. He's always made sure to never bait me too much, to give me too much notice of his feelings, as I do for him. It's just easier that way, what with the fact that he's still with his girlfriend. I'd rather not break them up. I feel bad for what I do, honest, I just...I've felt for him for so long. Anyway. He's careful with his words. Maybe it's because he's fucked up on the vicodins I sold him (I already know I'm going to hell), but for some reason that just doesn't really want to click with me.

"I'd rather not feel at all than be in continual pain. The only meaningful human interaction i get here and there, and it's not working." He posted this in his blog a few days ago, and it kind of hurt. I just don't know what to do, do I release some of my feelings more, be more like I want to be, instead of holding back?

He also posted "Seriously though, im glad you came to talk to me, and i think i knew where you were heading, but let's not destroy the family. I dont want to end up like the exiled. " Now, I'm not sure if he was talking to me or someone else. I just don't know, I just don't know...

At least I can enjoy the fact that he'll openly admit to me now that he misses me :) At least for the time being. I feel so bad for him...I feel sorry that his girlfriend is so mean to him. It hurts me to see him when he's depressed about her, drinking constantly to try and numb the pain. I'd rather him be with her and happy then with me and constantly thinking about her...I know that that's not good for him. Oh well. Enough about TheEnigma!

Over the course of the past couple of weeks, I have been busily trying to raise funds for my plans. I've decided I'm going to (attempt) to take over business in this town of mine, the drug business. I realize that at this point in my life, I have enough contacts with good enough sales that I can double my money every month, which is guaranteed, as I've already set up buyers for when I bring it up. So with little effort, in the next month I will have a little under an extra grand for spending money. When I eventually make prices absurdly low, and--

hehe, now I'm picking on him because he drinks like a gallon of milk a day. I told him he should invest in his own dairy cow, and apparently he is actually 'rofl'. I love making him laugh :)

--I'll still be making a profit, but now people won't need to scrounge so damn much for so little. Giving back to the people, man!

I lost my train of thought, being again distracted by you-know-who.

It is freezing in my room, I think i"m going to go turn myself into a burrito with my blankey. Hope everyone has sweet dreams and exciting days!

Blah...

Ahh, so things have started to slow down it seems and my euphoria from life is winding down.

This weekend didn't go quite on par with the rest of the weekends thus far, mostly because this is the first weekend in a long train of weekends that I didn't spend all of with TheEnigma. Instead, I opted to hang with Cheapskate. I give him this name because he is very cheap, and everytime we hang he expects everyone else around him to provide, never throwing down/matching, or bitching when he has to. This was a mistake on my part, but he had told me that he wanted to hang out with me, so I did. However, I quickly realized that he only wanted me to help him find drugs, made even plainer that half an hour after I got him a discount bag, he dropped me off at my car.

Anyway, that was saturday. Friday I managed to hang out with TheEnigma for a while, though felt sorely out of place, even moreso then the last time. This time I could feel something going on between him and DreadLock's girlfriend, SnowWhite. They had slept together before, without Dreadlock's knowledge. I wanted to blend into the background and not be noticed when I saw them exchanging glances, and how he made sure to be sitting next to her as spliffs were being passed. However, I think they noticed, because he slipped me a xanex that he'd stolen from Loyalty's stash, and bought me cigarettes and food. Regardless of that, I still insisted that I had to leave before the next party was to start. (the energy I felt off TheEnigma and SnowWhite is what drove me to leaving.) I didn't give him a kiss goodbye or a hug or anything, I just left...I kind of feel bad now...

When I returned home sunday, I saw 5 missed calls on my cell phone. (I forget the damn thing so much it's pointless to even have).
They were from none other then BasketballStar...my ex of exactly a year ago. He'd moved to Florida on a basketball scholarship, and we had decided to end our relationship of 3 years before he left. It was definitely one of the hardest things I'd ever done, but it had to happen. I haven't even thought about him in around 5 months, and hearing his voice flooded all those emtotions back. I called him back, and we caught up on each other's lives. Apparently he'd gotten injured and wasn't able to play anymore, and he was contemplating coming back to our hometown and seeing his family.
And me. He said I'd been on his mind day in and day out the entire time we haven't talked. I felt horrible. I hadn't thought of him once in almost half a year...

I don't really know what else to say, and my oatmeal is finished. Later days...

The up and up

Ahh, I am simply loving life lately. I've decided to get off my lazy butt and start making some money, I have been surrounding myself with friends for the past few months to try and boost my depression and self-loathing, and it's finally starting to work a little. I'm now at the stage where I feel like people don't have to be clinically INSANE to bring themselves to be around me. Now people actually call me and ask me to hang out, and I've had to start turning people down! It feels bad to say I can't, but again, it feels nice...

and today I get to hang out with my grandma in a fabulous chinese restaurant before class! Score! We're going for dinner before I have to go to class, which I'm commuting to with a friend.

Most people pin me down as being a pessimist, but quite honestly I am the opposite. Or maybe I'm just a realist. Anyway, life is beginning to lose it's bitter edge and taste a little sweet.

And a note to Flash! I have to apologize, lately I've been using your british witticisms and manner of speaking (at least on your blog). It's so fun! I love calling a joint a spliff anymore, and saying Ace! when things are going my way, and various other things, and a couple of my other friends have been picking up on it.

Anywho, now I'm off to take a shower and eat my fill of general tso's chicken. Mmmmmm.

Whee!

Today is looking up, even though I'm spending the day lounging in bed! My mom just gave me 10 dollars for "gas", aka, sorry for screaming at you for no reason yesterday here's some money and I bought tasty foods for you to eat. *breakdance* Also, I just checked the scale, and I've lost 10 pounds! Hopefully I can get down to about 120 within the next month, just another 5 to go! Yippee! And other good news, but those are frivolous and silly. But anyway, I hope everyone's day was simply amazing :)

So now I go back to my day of being lazy, sober, with ice cream and my favorite musical of all time ever, Rent! Score!

Oi...

So..tired..and sore.

This weekend was awesome again, thankfully. Friday was pretty null, though, as I went to visit TheEnigma at work and had to hear about his plans to go to a strip joint in the next town over, and apparently I was invited for the trip with him, PartyHardy, and Loyalty. However, I'd been busily looking up the psychology of religion on the music shop's computer, so I didn't recognize the invite and felt sorely out of the group. After I left there I headed over to ExHippie's place, where I was informed that she no longer could partake in ganj, since her mom was forcing her to get drug tested in the next month, and if she fails she has to go to a substance abuse clinic. We sat around bitching about how stupid it was, consequently she rolled a couple of fatties. After seeing my puzzled look she already said she was fucked from smoking the day before, and she was just going to try and clear her system 2 weeks prior to the test. I still think she's daffy, but it's her life. Headed for home around midnight, and that's the end of friday.

Saturday was a bit more eventful, headed to TheEnigma's at around 2, woke his sorry ass up along with PartyHardy. Apparently they hadn't made it to the strip joint because Loyalty is a retard and came to pick them up too late, so I laughed deviantly inside while getting them up for a wake'n'bake. Afterwards, we hopped over to PsychoNot's pad, made a room so smoky we couldn't even walk across the floor, and had a jolly old time. When we were forced back to TheEnigma's place, Loyalty decided to take PartyHardy home and we had the place to ourselves.

I'll skip the details, despite how juicy they are, and just say it was a fun night. It's starting to feel a lot more comfortable at his place, his mom even gave me a hug before departing on her own adventures (I swear, she has more of a life then us teenagers).

A strange event that's been occuring lately that I must divulge...it's now 3 times that TheEnigma has said "I love you." to me. Okay, so 1 was during sex and 1 was right after, but still. He's smarter then that, knows better then to let the moment overcome him like that and just say nonsense things. Or maybe he actually means it? I do not know. He's still with his girlfriend, but apparently they haven't even spoken to each other in weeks. I do not know, all I know is I'd best not let my heart get over my head, I know he's leaving and that there will be absolutely nothing in the future, since I'm also planning on going to an obscure college and not telling anyone where it is. But still, it feels nice, y'know? A complete and utter lie to ensure that I keep coming back, but it still feels nice. I also believe that it is impossible for anyone to truly love me, so it doesn't take too much effort to believe it's a lie, which is thankfully to my benefit this time.

Okay, now I'm off to visit with my grandparents before running around town doing nothing again. Or maybe I'll just go to bed.

Nervous

I just applied to college....I want to transfer to Adrian over in Michigan, because it has a liberal arts program that I truly am interested in....I just know I won't get in though...

The cycle keeps on goin'

Hehe, stole this from Flash, thought it'd be an interesting way to spend some time.

1) My ex is: no longer my world, or even in my world (thank god)
2) I am listening to: Bukowski <3
3) Maybe I should: eat, I keep forgetting, on day 3 now...
4) I love: brains
5) My best friend: is currently my lover
6) I don’t understand: myself
7) I lose: period.
8) People say: they know me, yet most seem to label me as the party kid, the book worm, or the quiet one, and yet they're wrong on all counts...
9) The meaning of my screen name is: ironically, I am very shy, and I rarely ever come into contact (physical touching) of people, yet most of my guy friends used to tease me about being seductive as a minx, so they just ran with it, and it stuck.
10) Love is: something I doubt I'll ever truly feel
11) Somewhere, someone is: having sex with a goat
12) I will always: be respectful, even if I hate you
13) Forever seems: to be a lie, everything that has a beginning, has an end.
14) I never want to: know bad things are going to happen, yet I inevitably do
15) My cell phone is: non-existant, my old one got ran over and broke, and I'm too lazy to pick up another (starting to become a hassle to not have, though)
16) When I wake in the morning: I don't realize where I'm at until I'm dressed, showered, at school, and in the middle of class
17) I get annoyed when: I don't get annoyed by little things
18) Parties are: terrifying to me, I can't handle being around large groups of people, I'd rather do drugs (not alcohol) alone or with a small group
19) My dog is: also non-existant, ironically enough also got hit by a car and broke
20) Kisses are the worst when: there's no electricity
21) Today I did: my homework! I'm excited to finish it too, because it's actually fun (who knew higher math learning could be fun!)
22) Tonight I will: head over to TheEnigma's place, again
23) Tomorrow I will be: working, then completing some deals, making trips, usual friday
24) I really want: money, I'm dirt poor lately ;-;. Strangely enough, not because of my spending money on drugs (i haven't actually spent more then 30 bucks a week) I guess I'm just not used to driving to people's houses and having a life. Being social sucks :(. Well, that and gas prices.

I feel like I'm swimming..

Not good. This allergy medication is really fucking with me, and I have work to make up since I decided to not go to school today. At least this crap is making me less sneezy/nose itchy, I did quite a number on it this weekend...Grr.

In what probably isn't any real news, TheEnigma's still in my mind...I'm just so tired, that no matter when I try to study or focus on anything for more then 4 seconds, he floats into my thoughts...

In good news, however, I haven't smoked a cigarette in around 2 days, which is surprising since I didn't actually quit. I just decided to not buy another pack (since money was needed in other areas of my life anyway) and just haven't bothered to pick up another pack. It's been amazing, since I haven't felt the urge to buy them. TheEnigma bet me I couldn't quit last week, I can't wait to rub it in his face this weekend :). I just have to make sure I don't accept any when they're offered round. I know he'll try to, tricky bastard...but I'll win.

Life has been treating me a tad better as of late..well, I skipped school and got a lot of sleep today, at any rate. I went to visit TheEnigma at work...he works at a local music shop, but he pretty much ignored me today, busily trying to find PsychoNot's number...PartyHardy was there, he works there on random days, we chatted for a bit before I had to leave.

I can't help but reflect on this certain thing that happened last sunday....it was late, Loyalty, TheEnigma, and I were just chilling at TheEnigma's pad for a while since we didn't really want the weekend to end. As Loyalty was putzing around TheEnigma's room/basement, TheEnigma and I were just curled up on the couch, me laying on top of him with my head on his stomach. It was comfortable and yet weird, since it was obvious we could only show affection for each other when alone, and yet Loyalty was there, and he didn't mind. We layed there watching Scarface, with Loyalty reciting lines without being near the tv. TheEnigma and I kissed furiously when Loyalty stepped out of the room, the tension having been built for a while. It was nice...and then Loyalty said the strangest thing. TheEnigma and I got excited in a plan to bring the drug of choice in Scarface back to our hometown, and my job being to find prices and people. As Loyalty is about to leave, he says "You two lovebirds are going to end up getting married, and being the drug lords of *******." He said it again, the lovebirds thing, as he officially left. TheEnigma says and has told me before that he could never get married, and to be quite honest, I doubt I ever could either. But he just looked me in the eyes and smiled, without saying anything, and we just hugged for what seemed like hours.

We talked later, about random bullshit, and the topic came up as to his leaving for college. It was strange...he seemed so excited to go, and yet now he says how much he doesn't want to...I don't try and get ahead of myself and say that it's because of me. I'd bet anything it's because he's been getting raises at his job, since business is booming, and how easy his life is here...but the possibility of him staying...I don't want to jinx it, and I don't want to set myself up for a fall...but I can't lie, it'd make my dreams come true.

Hyde--no need to refrain from advice giving, I'd say you're more qualified then you think you are right now. Give yourself some more credit :)

Things and chicken wings

So, how've things been? Excellent! Okay, so I failed with my plan to be drug free for the week, but I at least made it 6 days before I caved. I did not, however, stop giving people numbers and contacts, which I am now kicking myself over. I was aware when I got into this scene that I had a lot of personal responsibility to make sure I wasn't the one who got people addicted to drugs, and I also knew that if I saw someone falling down that path and I could help them, I'd do everything in my power to do so. The only problem is, I can't control everything, and I can't control everyone they come in contact with. Boo.


Anyway, enough with the melodrama, onto the real drama.

This weekend was fabulous. I spent the night with TheEnigma and his posse of friends, and it was great. There was merriment and lighters for all, straws in abundance, and laughter throughout the night.
Well, at least for them, since I got freaked the fuck out and had to be alone for most of the night. I'm not sure, but when TheEnigma and Loyalty (another friend) started discussing how much of a family we all were...I got very scared. I almost started crying because of how angry and scared I became. It just felt so...foreign. A feeling of family. To note--my mother has been raising me since I was 10, my father bouncing in and out of my life like dust on the wind (ironically enough, I'm allergic to dust). My mom is...mean. That's pretty much the only way I can say it. I know she regrets me, she never let me forget it during most of my high school years. (she's backed off lately). (I suppose I could blame most of my drug use on my parents divorce and my abusive mother, but I honestly don't. I don't feel any differently about my situation in life when I'm high or when I'm sober. However, I just enjoy my drugs.) Anywho. Back to the story.
DreadLocks (another of the group) tried to console me, tried to get me to open up, and I did. Which in itself is another amazing incident, since I...never open up. It just felt so strange to me, to be a part of this family, this family that I truly wanted to love and be a part of. I just felt so out of place. The only girl in this group of guys, the only idiot in this group of geniuses...I think most of the reason I was so angry and confused and scared was because I didn't understand. I didn't understand why they say I am a part of this family (I still don't.) I don't understand why they are my friends. I don't understand how after hanging out with me for the weekend, they still invite me to hanging out on monday. It's just...I'm not used to friendship, I guess. I've never kept a friend for long, and it just...hurts, burns so much to know that I will lose these people like I did everyone else. It also burns to hear these people talk about how we will be friends forever, that even if I disappeared they would come find me, and I can't believe it's true. Oh well, to continue with the story again!
As the night waned on and we had discovered that we were totally out of drugs, with resin smoked and mirrors licked clean, we all decided to crash for the night at PsychoNot's place. TheEnigma and I shared the bed (like we always do) and just layed there, petting each other's hair and backs/sides. It was so comfortable, I'd forgotten about drugs completely and lost myself in his gentleness, we layed there for hours. Around dusk, everyone else fast asleep (and snoring), we were still awake. He did the most amazing thing...as we layed there, he took my head in his hands, turned it so he could whisper in my ear "I love you." I couldn't move--I couldn't even breathe. I hadn't heard those words in...a very long time. I haven't believed in those words in even longer. I'm not entirely sure if I believe those words from him. All I know is...I think I'm falling, I think I'm falling hard, and he's still going away. He's leaving, and I'll never get him back.

Okay, so maybe things are going as excellent as I said they were...but hey, one has to always look up, right?

God, I'm so lazy!

Augh! It's driving me nuts now how I'm so freaking lazy all the time!

I have a month of homework to make up, a mountain of other things to do, aaaand...i'm not doing any of it.

So, what's been going on in my life?

I made a new friend today, which was pretty sweet. She actually asked me if I could be her friend and seemed really excited, and it just perplexed me as to why someone would want to be my friend, especially so enthusiastic! I will be a follower, and name her in a slightly obscure/descriptive name...umm...hm...well, okay, I can't think of one right now, but as I get to know her I will name her. We have plans for next week to smoke a couple of joints before class, her and another friend of mine that I've known for years, so that will be quite fun.
On the way to class, I carpooled with a recent acquaintance that I've really gotten to know and become close with the past year we've been talking and hanging out, and for the first time I opened up about my feelings with TheEnigma (boy I feel like I'm falling in love with, mentioned in a previous post). He couldn't really help with giving any advice or anything, but it felt so relieving to just say everything I've been dying to say.
About TheEnigma...he's been getting in my head a lot, lately, and it's slightly..I don't know anymore. I want to say disturbing, but...I like it. He's the first person to know my moves as I'm making them, subtle sayings in his journal entries, knowing that I'm going to read them and know exactly what he's saying. I feel like I want a relationship, but at the same time, I also know that I don't. I can't stand the labeling of girlfriend/boyfriend, because it brings up too many standards and expectations that end up ruining everything. And yet...he put it into perfect words, and he feels the exact same way I feel about many things. Sure, sex is nice...but it's so much more satisfying to have your mind fucked as well. And not like manipulation, but just being able to have an intelligent conversation with someone, which is so rare anymore. I try to talk philosophy and psychology with people, and the look of "wtf" is so glaringly obvious, and they think I'm a freak. But him...we challenge each other, and teach each other almost every time we're around each other. Augh, I sound like a retard. Anyway.

I keep trying to make myself promise not to do drugs for at least a week, and I think this week is when I'm going to do it. Right now. No more smoking, anything, and no snorting anything regardless if TheEnigma's plans come through. I have to know if I can beat it, at least for a while. I don't want to quit forever-just for right now. Put myself through a test, as you will. I hope I pass..